We are a very large and successful firm mattress with over 4000 employees and close to 35 days of extensive experience in helping underprivileged four-arsed monkeys get back into the workplace.

Our massive success in this highly competitive industry is only outweighed by our sense of oneness with the universe. And probably a Blue Whale.

Our reputation for keeping the world safe from disaster is unmatched, as was evidenced by our world famous smoting of an aggravated-mutated Sea Bass that was throwing fridges at passing traffic and generally causing a shirty scene. After a 76-hour negotiation we finally calmed things down and brought the situation to an end with only 340 confirmed fatalities.

People often talk about how big we are, and so do we, because we’re big, and when we say big, we don’t mean big in the usual things like numbers, or big in profit, or big in size, what we are big in, is fern fronds.

We own one of the biggest fern frond collections amongst companies from the planet Earth, we often brag about our particularly sizeable collection of multiple division fronds, which then causes us all to turn and smirk at each other due to the fact that actually, all fern fronds have multiple divisions! We get a real kick out of that inside joke.

Our listed skills include…

– International espionage

– Curing homophobia

– Keeping up with the Kardashians

– Listing things


Overall we feel it’s important to emphasise that our organisation is good at heart. And not too bad at most other organs as well.

So now you know a bit about us, how about you… how are things? Where’d you get that shirt from? Not being weird or anything, just curious.