• Don’t be drinking Milo as you approach her.
  • Don’t just stand in front of her and stare. Better to say something.
  • Don’t do magic tricks or hula-hoop tricks.
  • Don’t tell her your favourite joke about a Moose that only you find funny, even though it is hilarious.
  • Don’t request a foot high-5.
  • Don’t have 2/3s of an asparagus stork sticking out of your teeth.
  • Don’t talk constantly about how much you like ducks.   (and then produce one from your backpack.)
  • Don’t offer to make her some spinach dip, for some reason that’s weird.
  • Don’t go to hug her while she’s actually going for a kiss on the cheek so that she actually ends up kissing you on the back of the neck.
  • Don’t proudly show her your junior cricket trophy for excellence in fielding. She likely doesn’t even care about how good you are at fielding.
  • Don’t stare at her neck while licking your lips.
  • Don’t ask for any of her torso-related measurements.
  • Don’t ask for her opinion on your shiny new brown corduroy slacks that you scored for 30% off at Target.
  • Above all, don’t take most of your women wooing advice from the ‘Saved by the Bell’ character called Screech. Or me for that matter, I wish I was as suave and cool as Screech.

Picking up a woman in a bar – what I’ve learned not to do…

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