A while back I met this alien named Kevin, he’s a wise fellow and has some interesting observations about humans. (This alien is not to be confused with the magic pixie that lives on my shoulder and tells me to do bad things. Because I know that the pixie isn’t real, but Kevin on the other hand, is quite real.)


Shortly after arriving on Earth, Kevin said this to me… “Hey Dave, what is the deal with human nipples!?”


He continued…


“I notice that Humans in some societies recognise that their women’s nipples are a very normal natural and useful part of their anatomy. Their women walk around in whatever attire they like, nobody makes a deal out of their nipples, and to me it seems like that kinda makes sense, seeing as they’re just the same as men’s nipples, except for one thing, they actually have a purpose.


Now folks from my planet don’t even have nipples, so to us, any nipples are odd, (as are elbows), but it looks from my outside perspective that maybe those particular societies might have the healthier attitude towards nipples. (And women) (And elbows)


Their young girls are not brought up in a society where they are forced to hide these foul and vulgar bodily items for fear of facing numerous negative consequences from other members of the society. Which seems to be the general ilk in other more mainstream societies. I only arrived on Earth recently, but I’ve learnt a bit about your mainstream human history, which appears to be littered with forced suppression of the female body. (And the female voice)


Personally I find the Blobfish to be the most attractive creature on your planet, so to me, I have zero fuss about what part of a human is visible and what is forced to be hidden, but it is still curious to me, and admittedly it is quite enjoyable poking fun at your oddball ways. You nutbags!


Have you ever wondered… why do these mainstream societies appear to see female nipples as rude, dirty, hideous, x-rated, and certainly not appropriate to ever have them in view? Yes, good question, and odd indeed. But only from my outside perspective it would appear.


In fact my alien brain can’t fathom most of this nipple-weirdness, I mean, in these mainstream societies, it’s actually illegal for any part of a woman’s nipple to ever be seen pretty much anywhere outside of their own home. (Including on social media)

Alternatively, men flash their nipples all over the place, it is perfectly fine, and yet their nipples serve no function whatsoever.


For these mainstream societies… studies show that women spend an average of 450 hours each year doing clothing adjustments to be careful that zero nipple exposure occurs. It appears to be an obsessive-compulsive maniacal preoccupation with keeping these particular bodily items hidden. If any part of the nipple is accidentally seen, oh the worldwide mega controversy!!


Soon after I visited Earth for my third time, I recall the Superbowl halftime show included a glimpse of a singer’s nipple, and the world EXPLODED!

This ‘nipple-gate’ dominated all news outlets for days. Tens of thousands of your fellow humans went crazy at the obscene tragedy that had occurred, I mean, part of a woman’s nipple was seen, even by small children! There were riots and looting, mayhem on the streets, people flocked to churches to pray for the souls of all the humans who will now be plagued forever with the image of part of a woman’s nipple. (I am pleased with my progress in learning what you call ‘sarcasm’.)


Now, admittedly my species are a little violent compared to yours, which might justify my suggestion at the time of this nipple-gate reaction… “I desire an appropriate response to all the people who get up in arms about a bit of female nipple being seen, and that response shall be me delivering to them a stern and hearty kick in the neck with my foot-bone.”

Nipple buildings

Another thing my alien-mind cannot comprehend… I’ve noticed that women are often given dirty looks if they breast-feed their baby in a public place, when what they are doing is actually the most important thing they can for their baby at that time, and also, using their nipples for the one single purpose that they exist. What kind of a human could have a problem with this? (Perhaps a human that would require a fierce and almost mortal nipple cripple, therefore delivering to them a harsh and ironic lesson in being a sizeable Ploglewark. ) (In your human language that would be a ‘Cockapoopoo’.)



Although, I feel that perhaps more harshness is required for those bottom-burps who complain about seeing a woman breast-feeding…

I feel that anybody who has a problem with this; should also receive the same foot-bone kicking, although rather repeatedly, very hard, until they are sufficiently less stupid. Which would likely take much kicking, which I am willing to do. (It helps having 5 kicking legs with which to do this delightful task) Oh man I would like to kick them, oh yes, these people require my 5 legs upon their buttocks, with much verve and feet-of-flames fury thrust upon them.


I enjoy expressing my alien views; it actually feels quite therapeutic to my Phlebotinum. (Which in human terms would be along the lines of your innards)


Have I mentioned…?   These humans are nuts!”




“What’s the deal with human nipples?”

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