Right, so let’s continue…
After some jolly warming up, now let’s get stuck into some relationship nitty-gritty. From what I’ve come across in my vast experience, when guys and girls are asked to create a list of what they want in a partner, the list from the girls is usually a lot longer…and usually contains a bunch of things that actually contradict each other.
You’ve heard: “I want a guy who’s sensitive and in touch with this feelings.” How often do they also want the opposite? Then there’s: “I want a guy who takes charge and makes the decisions!” Oh yeah? Plus the exact opposite from the same gal. And there’s the common: “I want a guy who owns a pet elephant with a nice sturdy poncho,” and yet as soon as they meet old Stampy, suddenly he’s “taking up too much space” and “eating all my peanuts” and “constantly snapping my bra strap”. It doesn’t make sense, girlie…what DO you want?
Along with the contradictions, I’ve found there to be mucho listing of things they think they want in a guy, but yet when they get it, they realise they want something different and the dude gets a spirited slapping about the face with an abnormally large Atlantic Salmon. I know a number of guys who could be considered good, decent fellows…they treat women with the respect they deserve, yada yada yada. Often their conversations with women include listening to those sweet ladies complain about how much of a jerk their boyfriends are. Yet they keep going back to said jerk! Are they really clear on what they really want? I asks ya, I mean dude!
For a decent portion of the species, I reckon there’s quite a difference between each of these things:
- What women think they want
- What women say they want
- What women actually want
- What women say they think they actually want
- What Elephants like to do for fun in their downtime
…and, each of these things tend to change sporadically and whenever they feel like it.
I think it’s a darn tootin’ idea to write out our desires and specifically what we want in a relationship, although I be a-thinkin’ it’s handy to first be uber comfortable with who we are, and be very clear in our own minds what it is we really do want. If not, then leave the big hurty salmon strapped neatly to your person, let’s keep it less complicated and less fishy.
Okay, no holding back here, I’m gonna continue to generalise my experiences of the female species in today’s Oz society. They are absolutely wonderful, truly freakin’ awesome in a tonne of ways, and they can be darned frustrating when things progress to holding hands whilst walking through a shopping mall. Yes, yes, everything I say can be said of males as well, but I can’t speak from that perspective because I’ve been a male for at least the bulk of my life so I’ll go from the perspective I know best.
There are always two sides, with responsibility due to each party, so let’s focus on the ones with nicer skin, hey? I prefer to avoid incurring the wrath of hordes of peeved gals fired up from recent bouts of jelly-wrestling. We all know that there are generalisations, and also there are exceptions to everything…well, except for that.
Trouble is, some men can be jerks. I know this because I fairly frequently get to hear about this fact, this to me presupposes that I’m not one of these ‘jerks’ who doesn’t treat women very well, and personally I agree with my opinion. There’s no doubting that this ‘jerk’ side of guys is very appealing to a decent portion of gals, coz they keep going back for more. I checked out the stats from all the research they do on this topic, and the percentage of abuse within relationships is very high. I’m referring here primarily to non-physical abuse, and nothing involving agitated mutated sea bass.
Aside from self-esteem factors, one assumption could be that these women subconsciously dig the constant roller coaster of emotions. Sure he’s nasty and jerky at times, but then “he’s just soooo wonderful at those other times.” A comparison that comes to mind is gambling: people get addicted to the emotions and the unpredictability. It creates a bad feeling but at the same time an intense craving for more.
When it comes to men-folk, ‘nice’ just doesn’t cut it for many gals, and the allure is forever strong for the dude that is rude, rough, aggressive, and a touch more likely to kick a sparrow in the head. So there are all these guys around who are not good for these women, however these women can’t stay away.
Then there’s the fall-out for the decent blokes around who innocently meet these women with the best of intentions and a warm heart to offer. Yet these particular women have developed certain beliefs about men through their colourful experiences, and the new guy pays for the ills of each of those jerks from the past. Women know this occurs, and they even address it if they notice this kind of thing happening for their girlfriends…however, how often do we have a blind spot when it’s actually something we’re doing ourselves?
Of course, reversing any of this from a female perspective could have it reading fairly similar, except I would guess that there’d be less fish involved, no miniature elephants popping bubble wrap, and far fewer wishy-washy sentences.
So, she can begin seeing guys through the jerk-coloured glasses, and although the new guy seems different, whatever she is looking for she will find…and if what that happens to be is elements of ‘jerk-man’, then this new dude’s done for from the very beginning. She’ll find the evidence to back up her belief, and that just strengthens the negative wall of belief that, left unchallenged, will lead to more negative experiences associated with the male species. Plus, the behaviours that she’ll adopt as a result will only make it more likely that these experiences will occur. Man what a fun and bubbly whirlpool ride that is! I wonder what costume ‘jerk-man’ would wear? Perhaps an arse tattooed on his face?
Consider the standard set-up: coming into a relationship and waiting for the inevitable crappy part of the other person to emerge. Constantly searching. Where is it? Oh, there it is, right, that’s it…I knew there was something wrong with you so that’s the end of it! So we tend to see whatever it is we’re looking for. We know this and yet, does the awareness of this usually disappear when it comes to relationships? “Oh, there’s a horn sticking out of his head! I can’t be having a partner with a horn, think of the looks I’d get from my friends.” What about that elephant in the corner?
Even if the guy is completely respectful and good to her, a decent portion of her still craves the jerk-guy because of the emotional rush and the good feelings associated with the hope that she could improve him. Then there’s another part of her that wants to avoid the hurt so much that she becomes quite wary and almost a little bitter.
Let’s take a break while I slap some lipstick on this donkey and teach her to dance.
…. Continued in Volume 3.